(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
checking out some reviews of my local library
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”