(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve