(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.