Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Siri, fight Alexa.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*