Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
You Might Also Like
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?