Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys