Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)