Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

My safe word is Worcestershire

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”