Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.