Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Easy enough.