Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Not today
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day