Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

channeling her this year

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.