Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling