Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once