Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
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My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]