Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles