Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.