Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Friday night party time 🥳

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Monday Lisa

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party