Me: how are you
Friday: good
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My new favorite headline
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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