ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.