ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Can you solve the riddle??
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
zone out
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.