ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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i smell a pulitzer
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
