ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I’m calling the cops.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper