Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.