Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.