Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
6. me as a lawyer
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off