Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
me when somebody idk start touching me
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.