Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?