Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

Why are bridges so flammable.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Banana is the quietest snack

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.