Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..