Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

this is the kind of friend i am

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

selfie game

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.