Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive![]()
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sure, why not
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
May never get over this
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”