me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.