Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
You Might Also Like
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here