Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
me: how can i come across as smarter to my date?
bartender: add ologist to your job title
date: so what do you do?
me: i’m an unemployedologist
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.
alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”
Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*
Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”
This man recorded his son every day for a decade. The footage is breathtaking and takes 10 years to watch.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.