@sonictyrant

me: how can i come across as smarter to my date?

bartender: add ologist to your job title

[later]

date: so what do you do?

me: i’m an unemployedologist

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@BigJDubz

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

@ArfMeasures

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@ohen39

alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello

@iwearaonesie

[IKEA]
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*

@ThisOneSayz

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

@unmehlievable

Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”

@KevinFarzad

This man recorded his son every day for a decade. The footage is breathtaking and takes 10 years to watch.

@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.