@sonictyrant

me: how can i come across as smarter to my date?

bartender: add ologist to your job title

[later]

date: so what do you do?

me: i’m an unemployedologist

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@Marlebean

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

@ChicksRule

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

@sweetmomissa

I’ve heard you should do one thing that scares you each day so today I’m going to walk into my son’s room without holding my nose.

@coolauntV

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

@hazelmotes1

My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@james_comics

[first date]

her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good

@tigersgoroooar

sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

@juliussharpe

The ending of “Romeo and Juliet” is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.

@uncle_fescue

I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.