Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.