Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.