Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!