Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

We avoided this particular disaster

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Good morning!

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?