Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth