Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.