Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.