Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.