Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors