Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon