ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher