Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.