Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
what’s more important?
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.