Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.