Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese