Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

That took me a moment.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]