Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men are simple creatures

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.