me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.


If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.


“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”


Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.


Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.


DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.


OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.


Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.


Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”


Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.