me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
You Might Also Like
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly