Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.