me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that