me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
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Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
God, I love Scotland
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired