Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Cheer up.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

you stereotypes are all alike

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.