Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

christening a ship with an overripe banana

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy