Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Godspeed, John Glenn
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!