Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Yup.

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.