Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Whisper out to librarians!