Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

ok this is my dumbest yet

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9