Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
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car not found
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
New mindset, who dis?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti