Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Good boy 😂😂
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*