Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing