me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Monday Lisa
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.