me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
