Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Woke up against my better judgement again

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead