Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Ok but actually

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.