me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
titanic
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.