Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

🤣😈🤣

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need