Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

Fidel Castro was alive?