Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
You Might Also Like
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?